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Gallery: 2003

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Click the pic for its Big Brother. Tour video and audio page here

1 Let's start off at the beginning. On the Friday, Adie Barrett decided the best ay to avoid the traffic on the A303 at Stonehenge was to use the old A30. Little did we know that his car would gradually fall away - this part of the exhaust was the first. 2 Down in the Seiners Arms on Friday evening a fair bit of jollity was going down. During a game of pool, Matt decided to make Dazza's path to potting just that little bit more difficult than usual.
3 The shot failed to go in as the red ball slowly glided into the camera lens, safely away from the pocket. One may hazard a guess that Dazza was not quite 100% happy with this state of affairs. 4 Isn't it strange dear viewer how the presence of a camcorder encourages dreadful hamming possible from those who usually inform you go forth and multiply.
5 And now the first pic of the cause of the name given to this years' tour video - "Curse Of The Virgin Tourist". While the video is not quite in the Hammer Horror stakes, one can rest assured that the shirt worn here definitely is. 6 Is it the "Blair Witch Project 2 - The Sequel To The Follow-up"? Or is the light in the room simply getting darker as Tim's' flaring nostrils envelop everyone in the room?
7 Now Martin and Gary are two Vice-Presidents who just happen to indulge in the odd game. On tour though, they are just one (or two) of the crowd, subject to the fines that are dished out..... 

8 FinesMaster Beefy, who showed them no remorse whatsoever. Wanting their lodgings to be away from ours, imagine their horror to be located outside the gate of the Ponsmere Hotel where the rest of us were - and then be fined for it!

9 The "Watering Hole" on Perranporth Beach makes a fine night's venue with live music, pleasant barmaids and even the odd Real Ale. This year saw a new club record set there - a twelve-hour marathon from 12pm till 12am! A few things of interest over the days occurred here... 10 ....including the rather grim discovery that "Ben the Tour Virgin", was rapidly turning into "Ben the Tour Alcoholic". He recalls that often during the 12 hour shift there were often BEERS lined up for various persons present. His dad Gary (one of the Vice-Presidents with us) came in for more grief.....
11 ....with his mate Martin (pictured, the other V-P). We regaled the pair with a series of musically challenged throaty belters, such as "It's Past Your Bedtime", "You're Old And You Know You Are" plus the ultimate classic (to the tune of "Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep") "Woke Up This Morning And I Felt Really Old". It doesn't get much better than this. Hear the soundtrack here. 12 Jason Stephens (right) had spent part of Tuesday evening buried under the mass that is "Big Jay" Walliker (left). During this time he also took grief from his mate Jeff, who asked where was his food, and Jay S told Big Jay "I don't want to spend the rest of my ****ing weekend here!" This was the moment when the two Jasons made it all up (as we make it all up).
13 Now this is worrying. Trigger Barrett is pictured here before the start of the Mount Hawke game, his knees held together with Elastoplast, string, stockings and anything else that comes to hand. Matt was moved to ask: "If you remove all that, do your knees fall off?" Be fair, chaps, it's the best support he'll have all year. 14 The same game, and Tour Virgin Ben has been in for only a short time and already cored a few boundaries, one a big six. This shot pictured looked quite effortless but was so beautifully timed it became another six over the bowlers head. He was out soon after, attempting another smash for 28. But what promise.
15 Jeff Pooley, the last man in (at the last minute!) claimed he'd be out "in a couple of balls". Strangely, once at the wicket the next delivery removed Trigger Barrett's bails, rendering Jeff a "not out" for no deliveries and 'less than' one minute innings. Hmmm. 16 We are not sure what is occurring here, but anything with Mike Lewis in has to be questionable. Here, Ian Vane appears to be reversing into Mike - a very dodgy practice even when sober - with the intention of leading the camera toward Kevin and his Swamp Donk, er, sorry, we mean friend.
17 While we're on the subject of mike, on his return from the nightclub on Saturday, he sported a false moustache in the best Jimmy Edwards' tradition. That doesn't mean much if you've never heard of "Whack-O!" Even if you have, never tell Mike.

18 The tour was starting to wind down on Monday evening when this occurred. Basically, Ben had got "Chappie" in an impossible snooker on the Pool table. The expression says it all....

19 The exact point during an Air Hockey game and the flippin' puck had found its way onto the floor yet again. A quick throw-in and Matt tries to intercept it. With painful consequences..... 20 ....that led Matt astray, trying to find ways of cooling his poor little pinkie down. Poking his digit in his cold lager, he firmly told it "Don't drink it all!" before someone pointed out the puck was actually still in play.... 
21 This innocuous container holds the 49 balls for our "Blottery". For this year, Beefy obtained a salad spinner, purchased before it was discovered that the balls did not fit! So this "Dusty Bin - pile of crap" was hurriedly bought in its place.  22 Tim once went to sleep on top of a pool table in the bar - now Ben tries to follow him. There is one major difference though, Tim did not use a deckchair mattress on top of the green baize. 
23 Monday evening degenerated into a playfully vicious bundle at one stage, involving a publican, the entertainments manager, assorted guests - and Bertie, pictured here with the ultimate in deadly blow-up plastic hammers. 24 Ben was struggling by now, bawling to everyone that they'll be "going home in a bloody ambulance" before settling down on a row of bar stools for a grand total of 8 seconds. 
25 Meanwhile at the other end, the Bundle was well and truly out of control, the furniture was now being brought into play by Malcolm the Publican to protect Bertie and co. from the dreaded onslaught of playing cards from the entertainment manager's end. Oh yes. 26 Time to go home.... It's Tuesday morning and the luggage had to be shoveled into the car boots for the journey home and everyone was licking their wounds. Except Dazza, who was looking forward to a cream tea. Don't ask.
27 Tim likes to look his best and why not. Here he is on the Tuesday morning, caught in action giving the camera a bit of a grooming show as the legendary "curtains" are pasted back into place behind his earlobes. 28 It's all too much. Ben, caught on camera by front-seat passenger Beefy not such a great distance up the A30 while still in Cornwall. Trigger was driving, and once back at his abode, Ben awoke to inform all present of his desire to go home to bed. This was at 5pm.... 
29 Last - but definitely not least - the cover for the 2002 tour video. It's titled "Curse Of The Virgin Tourist" in honour of one so young who trod the well-worn path down the A30/A303 to the legendary destination that is Perranporth. He had no choice as he was a passenger in Triggers car (Remember? The one the exhaust fell off?). Never mind that, by the tours' end many people were willing to drive the "Virgin Tourist" out of the county of Cornwall at any price. Who? Yes, you've guessed it - Taxi drivers. One last comment: Ben, Beefy and Trigger occupied one vehicle which, due to their combined appearance - let alone weight - was dubbed the "Lardy Car", even before its' departure on the epic eight-hour journey down that fateful Friday. Till next year then.....
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